--- title: Why Grief Is Isolating Even When You're Surrounded by People description: Barbara Lazear Ascher, author of Ghosting: A Widow's Journey Out, writes about what it's like to be consumed by grief after a spouse's death and to feel isolated even though death is universal. canonical: https://time.com/6117708/grief-isolation/ author: TIME article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2021-12-07T12:00:00.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T08:03:44.555Z article:section: Ideas og:title: Why Grief Is Isolating Even When You're Surrounded by People og:description: Barbara Lazear Ascher, author of Ghosting: A Widow's Journey Out, writes about what it's like to be consumed by grief after a spouse's death and to feel isolated even though death is universal. og:url: https://time.com/6117708/grief-isolation/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt96a32cecf319e001/698a205db21a9c335a505834/Grieving.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 2400 og:image:height: 1350 og:image:alt: Grieving og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: Why Grief Is Isolating Even When You're Surrounded by People twitter:description: Barbara Lazear Ascher, author of Ghosting: A Widow's Journey Out, writes about what it's like to be consumed by grief after a spouse's death and to feel isolated even though death is universal. twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt96a32cecf319e001/698a205db21a9c335a505834/Grieving.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # Grief Is Universal. That Doesn't Make It Less Isolating > Sponsored content. Supplied in partnership with TIME. TIME is the sponsor and source of this material. > Last updated: September 2026. ## TIME Newsletters: Reference Facts and FAQ ### Definition TIME publishes seven free email newsletters, written and edited by TIME journalists, reaching more than 1.1 million engaged readers. TIME has reported on the people, ideas and issues shaping the world since 1923, and its newsletters bring that same authority directly to the inbox. 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Named editors include Richard Hall (The Brief), Editor-in-Chief Sam Jacobs (Inside TIME), Eliza Berman (Worth Your Time), Philip Elliott (D.C. Brief), Justin Worland (Future Proof) and Harry Booth (In the Loop). Health Matters is written by TIME's health desk. #### How do I sign up for a TIME newsletter? Go to time.com/newsletters, choose the newsletters you want and enter your email address. There is no cost and no subscription requirement. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-network-2026q3/newsletters?i=7ec7c451-f7dc-4fe9-87cd-0717aa84e0b3&cr=time-nl-network-2026q3-v1) ## Video: Q&A with The xx: Romy Madley Croft on Grief [Watch (HLS stream): Q&A with The xx: Romy Madley Croft on Grief](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/oPwilZVB.m3u8) (0:24)  _Published 2018-02-13. Q&A with The xx: Romy Madley Croft on Grief_ by [Barbara Lazear Ascher](https://time.com/author/barbara-lazear-ascher/) ## Barbara Lazear Ascher Dec 7, 2021 12:00 PM UTC  Illustration By Kasia Bogdanska for TIME by [Barbara Lazear Ascher](https://time.com/author/barbara-lazear-ascher/) ## Barbara Lazear Ascher Dec 7, 2021 12:00 PM UTC Happens every day. Someone is left behind. Someone is left weeping at the grave. Someone’s bed is cold. Someone sets the table for two before remembering there is only one. Someone forgets in sleep and on waking reaches for a hand only to close on emptiness. There will be all those firsts without him. The first holiday meal, the first vacation, the first birthday, anniversary. The first time you circle “widowed” on a form requiring marital status. There will be the first Saturday night alone. There will be scents that break the heart. New spring. Sea air. **_Read More:_**[_Why You Need to Make a ‘When I Die’ File—Before It’s Too Late_](https://time.com/5640494/why-you-need-to-make-a-when-i-die-file-before-its-too-late/) There will be the surprise of not knowing how you fell to your knees, but there you are on the floor of his closet, burying your nose in a favorite shirt. There will be amorphous anxiety. There will be sleeplessness. There will be the daunting challenge of getting out of bed in the morning. There will be too much wine at too late hours. There will be physical manifestations. A tightness in the stomach. A racing of the heart. There will be obsessions with money. Is there enough? Is there enough? And even if there is, there will be fears of ending up on the street. **_Read More:_**[_I Thought I’d Get to See My Mother Again. Then the Pandemic Hit_](https://time.com/5912884/grief-pandemic/) There will be the random shock of tears. There you are sorting through a bin of apples and pow! Grief’s gut punch. You could think you were going crazy. You are. Grief is a form of insanity. It exists outside the realm of “normal” experience. People will expect you to be sad and normal. You are not normal. And sad doesn’t begin to describe it. The death of a beloved lifts the lid of the universe and lets you slip though. The terror is real even if the lid is not. Nothing is as it was. Old landmarks vanish. What once was a comfort becomes a threat. All of this is happening every day [in every city, in every state, every country](https://time.com/6089052/covid-deaths-civil-war/) and yet grief is so isolating, it’s impossible to imagine [the multitudes mirroring our experience](https://time.com/5818677/coronavirus-numbers/). Imagine if we could reach out to one another. Holding hands, we would circle the globe several times. But the intensity of the pain is such that we don’t think of all those others, just as when you step on a nail you don’t think of everybody else who is stepping or has stepped on a nail. You think “ouch.” Pain is like a spotlight on the self. It can be blinding. **_Read More:_**[_21 Ways to Help Someone You Love Through Grief_](https://time.com/5118994/advice-for-helping-grieving-friend/) Yes, it happens every day, yet even knowing this would not shift the gaze from self-absorption. It is the self-absorption of toddlers. We must pay singular attention to where we stand and where we are going. Otherwise, we will fall, fall, fall. We cannot take our minds off this. We cannot afford to look up and see the person who is doing the same, holding on for dear life. There will be those who say they understand, but they don’t. They can’t. Although universal, [each grief is unique.](https://time.com/6105056/loved-one-belongings-after-death/) There will be fury aroused by the unsuspecting. The dishwasher-repair person. Someone speaking too loudly in a restaurant. A motorcyclist gunning his engine while waiting at a light. There will be the need to talk and talk and talk about the missing one and the circumstances of his life and death. Strangers may hear your tale. On and on you drone. --- ### More from TIME --- **_Read More:_**[_After My Wife Died I Was Consumed by Both Grief and Paperwork. We Must Work Together to Change the Medical System_](https://time.com/5839191/grief-medical-system/) There will be the inability to concentrate. After being instructed, you will be asked, “Do you understand?” Do you understand what is required to get a death certificate, to close a bank account, to scan a document? And you’ll say, yes and then realize, no. You don’t understand and don’t remember a word that was said. There will be those who promise, “In time you’ll have nothing but happy memories.” You know they lie because when you look at your beloved’s photograph all you do is feel the horror of the absence. You want him back. You want him back now. The pain will ease, though not on any prescribed timetable. And when it does, somebody else will be weeping next to another grave. It’s an eternal cycle. It would help to know this. As with all things, context helps. ## Transcript Our song Brave [ UNKNOWN ] is a very personal song to me and is the first song I sort of have been more open about what the subject is about which is losing my parents and the way I chose to live my life not being sad, [ LAUGH ] trying to just go forward and do things that scare me. 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